If a fitness promise seems too good to be true, it is

If you believe late-night television, the elixir of healthy living ends in a 99.

For 10 easy payments of $29.99, you can sport ripped abs, curvy hips and shapely thighs. Why spend hours in the gym grunting and sweating when, for only five minutes a day, unwanted pounds can melt like butter as you tighten and shape muscle. The Core Maker 2000 is revolutionizing the fitness world! It’s affordable, effective and conveniently stores under your bed — where it will stay until you move out or upgrade your shag carpet.

Our crack research team has uncovered countless life-changing case studies and talked to many doctors.

My name is Doctor Schyster and I endorse this product.

Note: Results may vary. In addition to using the CM2000, case study subjects dramatically reduced calorie intake and enrolled in an intensive six month weight training regime. Doctor Schyster is not a medical doctor — his first name was legally changed to Doctor.

Let’s set a couple things straight.

First, those muscular fitness models in the commercial didn’t use the product to get where they are — maybe financially, but not physically. Chances are, the only time they ever got on the thing was during the taping of the commercial.

Second, the top medical schools have been strangely absent from late-night television. For some reason they’ve passed the baton of health education to former sitcom actors who have been charged with communicating groundbreaking weight-loss breakthroughs.

With all of the miracle cures and quick fixes out there, it’s hard to know which way to turn.

I was amused at a recent trade show by the fast-talking salesperson promising amazing results by sitting on a vibrating platform. I was saddened to see the crowd reaching for their wallets to purchase this very expensive doorstop.

Before you pull out your credit card and dial 1-800, measure every too-good-to-be-true promise against the following tips. Anything that claims otherwise is focused on your bank account, not your health.

  1. Healthy eating is the foundation of any successful weight-loss program. If it comes in a box, out of a can or through a takeout window, avoid it. Fresh vegetables are best. Lean, preferably unprocessed meat in limited quantities (once or twice a week) is a great source of protein and helps you feel full. Breads and pasta should be considered a treat, not a staple. Dessert once a week. Use small dinner plates, don’t mound your food. Skip seconds.
  1. Your body only becomes fit through physical work — it’s how we have evolved. If you aren’t challenging yourself physically, there is no reason for your fitness level to change. Promises of “five easy minutes a day” simply aren’t true. The good news is that most people fear the thoughtof exercise more than the actual activity. When you are feeling lazy, commit to only 10 minutes of exercise and then make the decision whether to continue at the 10-minute mark. Once the blood is flowing it becomes much easier.
  1. You simply can’t spot reduce. That means all the crunch machines and thigh busters in the world won’t do a thing to reduce the size of the offending body part — usually hips and tummy. Fat is fuel waiting to be burned. Muscle doesn’t turn to fat or vice versa.
  1. If your miracle product jiggles, vibrates, sends an electromagnetic pulse, glides or shakes, stay clear. Also, “As Seen on TV” doesn’t denote credibility or value — quite the opposite. You don’t have to purchase anything to become active. There’s enough things to do outside to keep your body busy. In the event you want to purchase equipment, be prepared to spend a little money and make sure that parts and tech support are close by. Sorry, your box store muscle builder isn’t going to last.

Who knows, maybe you can achieve big results with minimal effort. Hey, maybe I can become fluent in Spanish in only five minutes a day. Lo dudo mucho!

For those who missed the point, the CM2000 isn’t a real product. Please don’t send me your credit card numbers. It doesn’t deflate your stomach — only your bank account.

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